


Behind His Life

by ValentineTrippy



Category: Linkin Park
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 04:49:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15549957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValentineTrippy/pseuds/ValentineTrippy
Summary: Mike looks normal from the outside but what can his life hide?





	1. Chapter 1

We all have reasons that we almost threw in the towel.  
I personally had a lot of those moments but the rockstars call it the other side of fame.

When we first got noticed by a label I was still in the process of finding myself so when they told me who I should be I panicked and dyed my hair red and changed everything about myself but we were always told not to lose ourselves, everyone else kept who they were on the inside.

When we got free of the loose clothes and hair products we were told to find our own styles.  
I of course panicked because I was obeying the label for the last three years so how can I suddenly have a say in the matter.  
I didn’t know who I was let alone able to dress myself in a style that was my own. All I owned was the clothes that they told me to buy and we were in the point of our careers that a trip to the store would cause a headline so cruel that a poet had all the hate that he needed to apply to a person that didn’t deserve one bit of it.

People say that the headlines are wrong but maybe a bit of self loathing is needed for me to feel just a tiny bit more normal than I actually could.  
I got my wife to go to the store for me so I wouldn’t be stopped and paparazzied. My wife got me some pieces that actually looked good and relevant.

When I put on the clothes I looked different because my jeans were tighter and the look was more serious than my look that was put together by management.  
Having self confidence is impossible when you are in the public eye because having all eyes on you is one of the worst things for self confidence that I have ever experienced.

I was always watched and I was the kind of person that hated having people’s attention so this was still new for me because I have been a attention seeker for so long that my cuts look like bracelets and my blades are hidden just like Chester’s alcohol, out of sight and out of mind. I don’t think Chester hides alcohol under the kitchen sink or any spot that they can fit or in the back pocket of his jeans or in his wallet or phone case but you know all people aren’t the same because a blade hides more places than a bottle but both of them are just as dangerous, when they are put together you got something deadly.

I don’t drink because I was never allowed to because in the early days I had to eat a piece of celery for lunch when all the others had McDonalds, this got me into a habit that I couldn’t shake to this day. I was taught to be who the label wants me to be and I listened because we made it this far why change things now. I have been eating salads without anything else or salad dressing for years and drinking only water.

Chester forced me to drink ginger ale once by putting it into a clean syringe and putting it into my mouth like he is feeding a stray kitten that was abandoned by its mother. At the same time I was like a lost kitten, I don’t eat so I people force me to do so, I used small words to communicate and most of all I run off for no reason, I scare my band shitless by running off and when they find me I would be crying so loud my friends were like background noise to the sound of my crying and my mind convincing me that I am as useless as a guitar pick is to a set of drums.

I have always been the one that cared about everyone else but myself, I seemed selfless to everyone but myself.

I post one picture on social media and it gets one million likes in five minutes but when someone thinks they see my scars they freak out and tell people to pray for me but I am fine as a tree in a hurricane but nobody needs to know that because the music is the thing that is the most important in this situation. It doesn’t matter if I have a panic attack while singing the song but all that mainly matters is that the song gets out when it is supposed to be and get leaked by me being an idiot a few hours before.

Feeling like a failure is something that is so confusing to everyone else but is so familiar to me. I have been feeling this way ever since I was in art school, people tore my work to pieces every week and I loved the feeling of being torn apart I loved people telling me how useless I was. I love being torn apart because being in the public eye makes the most normal of people seem like freaks. I am of course no different.

It is currently 2009, me and my wife welcomed a little boy today and he is perfect, more perfect than I will ever be and he looks like me. I hope that he will be like Anna because she is way better than me because the world didn’t change her like it changed me, she is pure. We named our little boy Otis Akio, We picked the name Otis because it means wealthy and Akio is my brother’s middle name.  
Being a father made me feel more useless because if this baby boy doesn’t grow up with a great father it is all my fault. I was responsible for his childhood, his memories, him knowing how to play catch. I was so overwhelmed when me and Anna first had Otis because I had to go on tour when he was three weeks old.

When Otis turned one I felt different about the whole thing. I loved my family to death and the day Otis turned one I was six months clean of cutting. My eating disorder was still hell to deal with but when Otis put his cake covered hand on my face I couldn’t just let it scare me because he put his cake covered hand on Anna’s face and she laughed but I couldn’t laugh to save my life so I said that I needed to use the bathroom and when I was in the bathroom I texted Chester.

Mike- Chester, can you come to the bathroom?

I few seconds later I got a response,

Chester- Sure I am on my way, are you feeling okay? When Jamie put smashed cake on my face I was startled too.

A few seconds later Chester appeared in the bathroom and seen me wiping cake and icing off my face crying. I promised Anna the night before that I would eat some cake at Otis’ party and here I am lying.  
I wasn’t completely lying, I got up off the bathroom floor and Otis ran to me. I stared at Chester at this moment making sure he didn’t leave because he always the one that calmed me down. Otis didn’t care if I just had a panic attack in the bathroom he just care that I am his dad.

After Otis turned one, time started to just fly by, Chester welcomed twin girls and that gave Anna baby fever. Lily and Lila look just like their father. Holding them made me want to have a girl of my own. All I seen in my dreams was Otis as a big brother.

After Otis turned four we found out we were welcoming baby number two. When I told my band Chester was crying along with me because when Lily and Lila were born I wanted another baby hopefully a girl this time.  
A few weeks later me and Anna found out instead of having one baby we were having twins, when we found out they were girls I felt light headed and passed out…


	2. Chapter 2

When I woke up I seen Anna and she told me that I passed out and have been out for about three days. Anna told me that I went into shock. She asked me what I was thinking about.

On the side table of the bed was a photo album and I picked it up and flipped through it and found a family photo that we took to announce the twins.

I got Anna’s attention and pointed to the photo and she told me that I was a very good father. I couldn’t get myself to believe her.

When I got released from the hospital I got told my weight was low but you know that I am fine. I told Anna that I was fine and she gave me a worried look.

With my cutting habit I relapsed, I have tried to distract myself with music but that didn’t work, I tried to distract myself with baby girl things but Anna had to explain a lot to me because my mind was so distracted that I forgot a lot of things.

Anna got me very excited to design the nursery for the girls. With Otis’ nursery we went with a blue and dark wood theme. An idea that I have for the girls nursery theme is painted white wood, pastel pink and lace.

When me and Anna were talking about baby names and I suggested that I pick out one name and she picks out the other and she agreed.

I looked over the names that I had written down and picked a name that stuck out to me, Berlin Kaiyo.

My wife loved the name and the name that my wife adored was Parker Maiya. She said that she loved the name because it made a reflection of the dream that made me and her met. She picked Parker and I couldn’t agree more that it was perfect.

Parker and Berlin’s nursery is coming together perfectly, I painted the room pastel pink and when I looked in the mirror I had it all over my face just like I did when I painted Otis’ room blue over four years ago. The photos we took for the girls’ name reveal were very simple I got the tour pass from the last tour and circled BERLIN and added a -ER to park and beside the Berlin and Parker I put their middle names on the pass. I gave the pass to Chester first.

Chester looked at the pass and then back at me then got the sketchbook and I asked him what he thought the girls’ names were. He wrote, Berlin Kaiyo and Parker Maiya. He showed the camera because the guys were trying to listen to me saying the baby names to Chester.

Next was Brad, I gave him the pass and he looked at it with wide eyes and I gave him the sketchbook and he wrote, Berlin Kaiyo and Parker Maiya.  
This continued till I told all five guys and I told them not to tell anyone the names and they swore that they are going to listen.

I went to my parents’ house and Anna’s parents were there too and I gave them the pass and explained it a little more and they took turns writing their answers. My mom and dad were first and they wrote Berlin Kaiyo and Parker Maiya. Anna’s parents did the same.  
We also got them to write a little messages for their nieces and their granddaughters.

We are going to frame the pieces of sketchbook paper for the nursery to add a little touch of love.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The next chapter is going to be the Shinoda twins arrival


	3. Chapter 3

Me and Anna had a long night last night, the twins are born and identical as ever. Me and Anna are the only people that can tell them apart. Berlin was born first and Parker was born five minutes after.

I was holding Berlin in my arms when she touched one of my tender scars. I didn’t let the pain make me react because my wife just had twins and she got a scar and Berlin touched one of mine. I never knew what having a girl was like but I guess the band really did change my life.

Me and Otis had breakfast before I took Otis to meet Berlin and Parker. We went to a coffee shop for breakfast and I had a water and celery while Otis had a chocolate milk and a cookie.  
When we got to the hospital Otis was excited to see his little sisters. I am no longer shaking because I used the blade that I had in my back pocket to calm my senses.

The look on Otis’ face when he seen Berlin and Parker was priceless. Anna passed Berlin to me and I sat down. Otis sat down next to me because he was interested in what daddy was holding.

The twins were due early March and they were born on my birthday, I never liked my birthday since 2000 because when we got signed I had to stick to a strict schedule so I didn’t get to enjoy any day let alone my birthday.

I’m saying that looking at my kids made the red hair and habits worth it but if I can do this and give them all they could ever need I will do this.

After Otis met his little sister my mom came to met her granddaughters and to bring Otis to her house for the night. I had to call Chester to tell him that he can come visit because he told me to call him after the family met the twins to call him and I did.

Chester- Hey man.

Mike- You and the guys can come meet Parker and Berlin.

Chester- I’m so excited for you Mike, the Parker and Berlin are going to have you wrapped around their little fingers. Lily and Lila are daddy’s girls and I’m sure Parker and Berlin are going to be Daddy’s girls.

Mike- When I look at them I just can’t believe they are mine. Can you pick up Joe and Rob? They texted the group chat asking if I could pick them up. I will pick up Phoenix and Brad.

Chester- I will pick up Joe and Rob want any Starbucks?

Mike- I was about to ask you the same question because I’m using the app to order want your usual?

Chester- Okay.

Mike- Bye Ches see you soon.

Chester- See you soon Shinoda.

 

The Starbucks app is the only way that I can use to order my coffee without getting any unnecessary attention. It is a rockstar hidden secret to order this way especially if you are a vocalist because you are known by your voice.

When I picked up Brad and Phoenix they were smiling and hugging me. They were excited to meet their nieces. I told them that they weighed about four pounds each and were about twenty inches long.

I met Chester back at the hospital and forgot the starbucks but Chester remembered and gave me a coffee cup and when I sipped the hot water I knew that I was okay. When I looked at the guys cups and they said Uncle Chester, Uncle Phoenix, Uncle Rob, Uncle Joe and Uncle Brad. This was the cutest thing I have probably seen starbucks write on their cups. Then I realized that they got the seven reusable cups customized months ago.

When me and the guys walked the familiar hallway I was happy. When we got to Anna’s room we entered quietly and the guys started to cry at the sight of my babies.  
The only words that could come to their lips were- You and Anna make the cutest babies ever!.

When I gave Parker and Berlin to Chester he was crying out of happiness because he always knew that I wanted a girl and I got my dream. Some of our dreams have changed but our beings haven’t changed we are just a little bit scratched up but the same people we have been since the start.

The other four of my best friends held my sweet babies and then before I knew it the eleventh have passed and I wrote a simple blog post.

Dear Linkin Park Fans,  
Me and my wife have welcomed twin girls today (Yesterday). The babies are happy and healthy, they have met their uncles that spent a good portion of their lives with their daddy. Baby Berlin Kaiyo Shinoda was born 12:00 Pm, February 11th 2013 and Baby Parker Maiya Shinoda was born 12:05 Pm, February 11th 2013.  
The babies are perfect pictures are coming but not at the moment.  
-Mike, Anna, Otis, Berlin and Parker Shinoda

_________________________________  
The babies are here. Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!!


	4. Chapter 4

My life as a dad went from having blue everywhere and getting peed on the face to having pink and bows all over the house. My children are my world but I got the girls’ names while traveling to Germany.

Chester is at my house today refusing to leave because he loves cuddling Berlin and Parker and I love it too. Me and him eat celery together but he dips his in ranch and he drinks milk but I am drinking water.

Chester tries to give me a bit of ranch but I say that I am trying to go dairy free and he didn’t question it. Right when I was going to open my mouth to say another word the babies start crying. Chester follows me to the girl’s nursery and picks up Berlin for me and I picked up Parker.

The girls just wanted to be held and me and Chester went into the studio and sang a few things. Chester had Berlin in his arms as he sang and I had Parker in a baby carrier on my chest. This is beginning to be a successful day because the girls never made a peep, the music is a bit loud but we used headphones more today because the babies are on us and all. Also on the babies we have hearing protection on them so their little ears won’t get damaged.

Chester said that he was staying for the night and I am almost too scared to react so I just mumble an okay. Not to get me wrong but on tour Chester would cook a breakfast in the bus and feed all of us. I was always “Asleep” at breakfast. Not really I was always on my phone or just in my bunk looking up at the ceiling.

I put Parker in her crib and Chester puts Berlin in hers and we look at each other with the look of relief because we got them to sleep before Anna came home. When me and Chester tried to get Lily and Lila to sleep before Talinda came home Lily and Lila were screaming. Berlin woke up for someone to hold her but at least she wasn’t screaming. I put her back in her crib and then went to bed myself.

When I woke up Anna was beside me and Chester was on the other side of me. I wondered why I was in between Anna and Chester but I knew that I fell asleep first on the middle of the bed and Anna usually shares a bed with me and something tells me that Chester fell asleep not long after I did.

The babies woke up about five minutes after I stirred so I went to the bassinets and picked them up. I went down stairs with the babies and talked to them for a little while. They looked up at me with their eyes open. Their eyes have already turned a pretty brown colour that they got from me.

Chester and Anna woke up about an hour after I woke up with the girls and we finished the salad me and Chester picked at last night. It was good and I only ate the lettuce and greens. Anna got me a coffee and I pretended to drink it till the coffee got cold.  
I was pretending to drink the coffee because calories are scary these days. I’m counting more calories than a teen girl. My wife gave me the coffee in the first place because I was dozing off into the salad but not only am I trying to cut out dairy I am also cutting out caffeine. I know that I am the only new parent to twins saying this but I have drank so much coffee when Otis was a baby that I shouldn’t ever sleep again.

I am still cutting myself up and keeping a journal that is so dark that it almost sounds fake. I’m not going to get caught up in that just because it is true.

Berlin crying gets me out of my deep thoughts, I pick her up and rock her a bit and she calms right down. I get a text from Joe asking if me and Chester would like to bring Tyler, Otis, Lily, Lila, Berlin and Parker to his house tomorrow to hang out. I said yes because getting the band together is good because there is a lot of kids between the band so having them all together will be good.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The children that Mike is talking about are Jamie (CHES), Isaiah (CHES), Draven (CHES), Tyler (CHES), Lily (CHES), Lila (CHES), Brooklyn (PHI), Reagan (PHI), Cheyenne (PHI), Lola (JOE), Otis (MIKE), Berlin (MIKE), Parker (MIKE), Jonah (BRAD), Noa (BRAD) and Evan (BRAD).  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Hope you enjoyed this chapter!!


	5. Chapter 5

I was pretending to drink the coffee because calories are scary these days. I’m counting more calories than a teen girl. My wife gave me the coffee in the first place because I was dozing off into the salad but not only am I trying to cut out dairy I am also cutting out caffeine. I know that I am the only new parent to twins saying this but I have drank so much coffee when Otis was a baby that I shouldn’t ever sleep again.

I am still cutting myself up and keeping a journal that is so dark that it almost sounds fake.

Before we leave to leave I get the diaper bag ready and also I get the things that all three babies need to go to bed. I get Berlin in her carseat while Anna got Parker in her and after we got our shoes on and I grabbed Otis’ hand we were off to Joe’s.

When we got there we were welcomed and hugged. Me and Anna took Berlin and Parker out of their carseats and asked if anyone wanted to hold them, Jamie said that he wanted to hold one and Lila was interested in what her brother was holding. At two years old Lila Grace Bennington is showing she has her father’s interest filled personality.

When I look at the kids playing together I see something that have been in the back of my mind when we started the band. Otis starts playing with the other kids his age. Berlin wanted me to be in the chest carrier and I stupidly forgot where I put the second one. When I found it I put her in it and sat on the couch and fell asleep. I never moved Berlin because I don’t want to mess this up. Chester woke me up when it was lunch and I went to the table Berlin still on my chest in the carrier and I never got embarrassed.

Berlin loved to be held in the carrier so I wasn’t being a bad parent right now but at the same time I was giving my daughter what she wanted. I am always in conflict with what I do and what I am thinking.

When we are done eating or should I say when I was done picking at my food and eating one bite and Chester, the band, Anna was giving me a never ending lecture about what I am doing to myself in my own head while I feel a weight on my chest but glance down and see Berlin.

I kept calm for once not knowing that I was making myself worst in the process. I excuse myself to go outside to clear my head. I go to Joe’s backyard with Berlin and I said to Berlin,

“Baby girl, you don’t know how much your daddy has messed up in his life. You life is a week and a half new and my life is 36 years changed by everyone that thought that they had the right to change me. If you look at pictures of your daddy with different colour hair and weird fashion choices remember that it was someone else changing him and making people like him for his looks. I would like you to know that no matter how many people try to change me I won’t let them change you”.

After I spoke my mind to my newborn daughter I went back inside. Anna told me that Parker was crying for me so I gave Berlin to Anna and she passes me Parker.  
I put Parker in the carrier and she stops crying.

I looked at my daughter for a bit and just thought about how such a beautiful thing can be mine.


	6. Chapter 6

Being a father to three is a lot different than being a father to one. Being a father to three in honest opinion is like being blessed three times over.

When me and Anna welcomed Otis the love was so overwhelming. When me and Anna were naming Berlin and Parker we loved names that meant something in our lives.

Me and Anna agreed that each of us would name one of the babies. Anna has always wanted to name one of our children Parker so she picked Parker and I had to take a little more time because my child would have to go by this name for his or her (we didn’t know the genders at the time).

When me and the band were sightseeing in Germany I knew her name was. I got an ultrasound picture of baby A and wrote Berlin Kaiyo Shinoda.

In my bag I have an ultrasound picture that had Parker Maiya Shinoda on it in Anna’s handwriting.

The girl’s names mean a lot to Anna and I because we let their names come to us instead of seeking them, we did not go matchy-matchy with their names because we love different names but not too crazy. The other names on our list are Harlow, Eiliyah, Melody, Everleigh, Rhythm, Charlotte, Luna, Dahlia and my personal favorite Harmony. Me and Anna are planning on having a fourth child in the future and of course Harmony is in the running for a baby girl. I thought of Berlin’s name in Berlin, Germany and Anna thought of Parker’s name because Linkin Park was the reason I had this beautiful life .

A life that is beautiful on the outside of course because my mind is far from beautiful and I can’t even take my shirt off in front of my wife let alone the world. I have scars going up and down my arms and me and my son shop in the same section of target.

Social media and the public makes self esteem a hard thing to keep, I never had a chance to keep it because being a frontman has the disadvantage of being the ones heard the most and also seen the most. I have purchased every colour hair dye that the local walgreens sold the first few years of our career.

Being signed isn’t the moment that you know that you made it, you know you made it when there are people living because of you and you can give your family all they need and more. When your kids don’t know what having nothing means but at the same time they know what loves is so much it is like the back of their hands.

I have had my share of the other side of fame and I am sure that I will have many more but that is the problem. Cutting myself up shouldn’t be the other side of fame.

How will I explain to my children what my scars mean when they ask me with their little voices,  
“Touchan who hurt you?”,

Otis calls me Touchan and Anna adores it and I do too but I can hear his voice asking who hurt me when he is older. Otis’ life is four years young while my life is thirty-six years years taken advantage of by people that make people big but at the same time the process damages some people and I just had to me one of them.

I am on the edge with five of my best friends and my friends and family are the only thing stopping me from falling. I could say that I am feeling numb but that would be heard with a laugh instead of the feelings that are inside my head.

I have no clue who I am and somehow everyone else does.


	7. Chapter 7

I wake up to Parker crying, I go to the nursery and pick her up and walk to the rocking chair and rock her softly in my arms.

She stops crying as soon as she hears my voice that makes her calm and my skin crawl. When she goes back to sleep I go back to mine and Anna’s bedroom and Anna says  
“Otis”.  
I close my eyes and say,  
“It’s me honey, Parker wanted a cuddle”.

A few hours later I wake up in a cold sweat because I had a dream that was horrible. I called Chester immediately because I had a nightmare that he died and when I heard him on the other end of the phone I asked him if he wanted to meet for coffee and I would pick him up.

When I pulled up to Chester’s driveway I opened the door I seen him and he ran and hugged me almost knocking me over but that is his personality.

When we go to Starbucks for a coffee or should I say I go for a cup of hot water. I made sure that I knew that he was alright.

I know that I was being paranoid but who knows me being paranoid might mean something one day. I know that Chester didn’t think that I was crazy for that but I did.

Brad calls a band meeting about the next tour and I can feel my mind go backwards at the thought. Leaving Anna alone with one four year old and two newborns.

I know that I go on tour for the music but I want to provide for my babies. I felt very bad when Otis was a baby and I feel the exact same or even worse with Berlin and Parker because they are too young to understand where daddy went.

The tour was scheduled and I packed my bags and cried my eyes out to Anna because I felt so bad but I had to go on tour and that this was the hardest part of it all, the nights missing each other looking out the window believing the illusion that the world outside our windows would connect us somehow.

*A week later*  
Chester noticed me in some kind of funk and he wants to ask me what is wrong but he knows, I miss my family and the guilt is tearing me apart.

He knows this because he have been through this before, we all really have been through this before with our own babies.

Chester welcomed Lily and Lila in 2011 and went through something similar to me but he says I am allowed to be worried and Joe tells me that he feels similar with his daughter Lola.

The last time I have felt this bad was when me and Anna welcomed Otis during a break on tour and I had to go back on tour a few weeks later.

Back to 2013, I’m feeling bad but not really sick bad but that guilty that I should be committing a crime but I am just a dad in a big rock band feeling guilty about missing his family and is a little homesick for his wife and kids but at the same time I love being on stage.

I know that I am being a normal father but I can't help but think i'm crazy.

*I'm sorry for the way that I explained Mike's nightmare*


	8. Chapter 8

Before I know it I am on the plane ride home and me and Chester are talking about nonsense but we wouldn’t change it for the world.

When I seen my wife, baby girls, parents and my son holding a sign that said “Welcome home Touchan” (Dad in Japanese).

Otis’ sign brought me to tears and I hugged Anna so tight that she must have thought that I was going to lose her but missing her and the jet lag makes love harder but love is worth it no matter how hard it is.

We went to the car and I got in the passenger seat, Otis is in the middle and a baby was on each side of him.  
When my wife asks if I want to go grab something to eat and all I said that Otis had enough cashews to last us a week but my parents wanted to take us out to lunch.

We got to the restaurant and got seated me and Anna decided to share a salad. We ordered Otis chicken nuggets and fries.

As if it was on some kind of cue Parker starts to cry and right when I get her bottle for her out of the bottle bag thing and when I did Berlin started to cry and didn’t want to be held by mama she wanted dada and she wanted him now.

I managed to have both Parker and Berlin in my arms at once and got the bottles in their mouths and Anna gave me bites of salad as the twins were eating.  
The girls ate ½ of their bottles and then I put them back in their car seats and drank more water. When we were done our lunch we were going to go home but we stopped at the Bennington’s house.

Talinda loved to see me, Anna and the kids because being on the road for three weeks is a long time when family and love comes in the picture.

Before I met Anna I was lost but then I met my future that I never realized it was my future till I looked back and seen what five people done for me.

I am nervous about my daughters, I know that they are five weeks old before I know it they are going to be five months old, five years old, fifteen years old and then eighteen before I can even manage to blink.

My baby girls might take after their father’s eating habits that I pray they take after their mama for.  
They are identical and look like me and have my eyes.

I was changed my management in 200o and now even 13 years later I still have the same habits they told me who they thought that I should be.

They controlled my life for a little bit of time so I developed habits, I wish that I could just enjoy my life instead of caring too much about the smallest thing.

Love never really falls apartfor me and Anna because we were always in love. for me and Anna because everything falls into place perfectly. My wife is perfect and I am not.

My kids are perfect I have ever seen perfection before. My daughters are very identical and have mirror personalities but they don’t cry at the same time because that’s not how it works.

Berlin and Parker still don’t sleep through the night and it is hard to get them to sleep. When I am home me and my wife have one of the girls bassinets on each side of the bed.

Berlin and Parker were born a bit earlier than they should have and spent a few weeks in the nicu. They gave us a bit of a scare before they came home.

Me and Chester are still close like we have always been and always will be. Chester is the only one that understands my habits and don’t see me as a person that was changed by people that don’t have any business changing me.

He always and still do tell me that the people that were in charge of the label seen the money instead of the music and that we are in charge of ourselves now and our music is the thing that we do this for because the music has more meaning than money.

I haven’t been diagnosed with anything because I never went to a doctor or therapist. I have gone to visits with Anna’s therapist before but not for myself because I don’t want my star status to have rumors about me being mentally unstable or some other mean taunts.

When I got home my dog came to me, Jasper just came to me not barking like he usually did, he just walked over to me and waited till I walked to my closet to get a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt that I made sure had long sleeves.

How did I go from my mama picking out my clothes to me making sure my clothes have long sleeves to hide what my self mutilation did to my arms that my mama used to say that were so pure and chubby. When did chubby become a word of hate instead. I know that I should love myself but I am a father and little lives are dependent on mine for survival. To my mama I was a miracle but to myself I am praying for a miracle but feeling not worthy to pray after all I let people do to me.

After I get dressed for bed I get Berlin’s diaper changed and sleeper on that I got out of a bag that Chester gave me that Lily and Lila wore. I took out the matching one for Parker. When the kids were asleep I pulled out a journal that I meant to keep for lyrics but these days nothing in the way we plan.

I wrote,  
“Dear Berlin,  
You were an answered prayer from your mother and me. I wanted you to be filled with wonder right to your first name. I found your name when I was in Germany with your uncles. Your uncles are youthful and crazy. Your uncles love you, I hope you learn that these five souls are your family and hope they learn how strong their love is for you.  
-Your dad”

I closed the journal after writing a letter for my little girls.  
My wife has written a journal entry for Otis every day of his life and I want to give my little girls something later in life.  
My band is my life because it provided me with all that I have.  
It was how I got Anna to come with me. I gave her a cassette as I leaded her to a party.

My life is falling apart but I am still alive and healthy as a man that was changed by life could be.


End file.
